| Author | Message | ||
| Cary
Intermediate Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 415 Registered: 07-2005 |
Revised: In fatigues that haven't seen soap since the seventies, the birdman arrives at the park to scatter seed. To him, the world speaks Vietnamese and while he's surrendered his rifle, he still slits throats with eyes as sharp as any point man. He insists my name is Charlie. But how do I correct someone who never came home, someone who only smiles when the pigeons come choppering down? Original: In fatigues that haven't seen soap since the seventies, the birdman arrives at the park to scatter seed for city birds. To him, the world speaks Vietnamese and while he's surrendered his rifle, he still slits throats with eyes as sharp as any point man. He insists my name is Charlie. But how do I correct someone who never came home, someone who only smiles when pigeons come choppering down? C. Kelly (Message edited by ponderlust on November 14, 2005) | ||
| Teresa White
Valued Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 260 Registered: 01-2005 |
Cary, Enjoyed the read!! Only suggestion is to drop "for city birds" in S1, L4....you already say he's a birdman (might that be two words?) so felt that phrase not crucial. Love your close..."when pigeons come choppering down?" Good use of "choppering" here. My best, Teresa | ||
| Lazarus
Valued Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 210 Registered: 10-2005 |
Cary- I like this very much. It's sweet without being sentimental. There is one line break that didn't work for me: "with eyes as sharp as any point man. He insists my name is Charlie." I think you can leave "man" on the line above. You still have quite an impact with "eyes as sharp as any point man." I loved "when pigeons come choppering down." | ||
| Morgan Lafay
Intermediate Member Username: morganlafay Post Number: 843 Registered: 08-2005 |
Enjoyed your poem Cary. Well done | ||
| Cary
Intermediate Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 416 Registered: 07-2005 |
Teresa... You're right about 'for the birds'. I guess I had one of those "duh!" moments. Thanks kindly for reading and commenting. Lazarus... I wasn't sure about the break you pointed out. It does read overly choppily for the sake of trying to mimic the birdman's language. I must admit I'm a bit surprised you found this 'sweet'. While that's far from insulting, I thought maybe I painted the birdman as too villainous when my predominant feeling for him was sympathy. Thanks for the honest interp. Morgan... Thanks kindly to you too. Glad you liked it.  Cary... | ||
| Lazarus
Valued Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 215 Registered: 10-2005 |
Cary writes: "I must admit I'm a bit surprised you found this 'sweet'. While that's far from insulting, I thought maybe I painted the birdman as too villainous when my predominant feeling for him was sympathy." Yes, that sympathy comes across very softly. That is why it was "sweet," at least to me. I like the line changes you've made. This is first rate stuff. | ||
| Penelope
Intermediate Member Username: penelope Post Number: 420 Registered: 07-2005 |
Cary, count me as a fan of this one. You've already revised this! How fast the boards are moving these days. Or is it that I'm living in slow motion. In any case, another fine read. Penelope | ||
| Dan Cox
Valued Member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 107 Registered: 08-2005 |
Cary, Another fine poem, no nits on the revised version- especially dug those choppering pigeons. | ||
| michael julius sottak
Advanced Member Username: julius Post Number: 1783 Registered: 12-2003 |
"how do I correct someone who never came home" one of the best I've read on the plight of the Vets from VN. Sharp & simple, Cary. | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3366 Registered: 07-2002 |
Cary--a strong piece, start to finish. You have created a vivid visual portrait using fresh language and wonderful sound. fatigues/seen/soap/seventies fatigues/seed/vietnamese ANd that last line--most excellent use of 'choppering' as a strong verb. Nicely done. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5869 Registered: 11-1998 |
You had better line breaks in the original, Cary. Especially here: "To him, the world speaks Vietnamese and while he's surrendered his rifle, he still slits throats with eyes as sharp as any point" Whew! Now, those were some masterful breaks! Oh, excellent title too -- Prisoner of War, and Pow, as in that sound in the Batman comics. | ||
| Cary
Intermediate Member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 421 Registered: 07-2005 |
Lazarus... thanks for coming back and explaining the sweet comment. I continually question whether or not my writing emotes the way in which I intend. I'm honored by your last remark. Thank you again. Pen... Thank you too my friend. Always great to have you drop in on my work. I hope to oblige you in kind very soon. Dan... Thanks amigo. Had to find a way to glamorize those pigeons somehow. Most folks around here consider them rats with wings. Michael... Pleased to meet you and thanks for checking out my work. I hope to chopper on in to some of yours soon. See ya there and thanks for those honoring comments. It just turns out that my father is one of those names on the dreaded Wall so that compliment of yours goes a very long way. LJ... Lovely of you to observe and point out the compatible sounds of this. I noted a few of the ones you pointed out but you found several more. I imagine some words are just destined to be married. That make me a JOP? LOL M... Better line breaks eh? I agree with you in most respects... especially the meaningful department... but when I read it the way I wrote it, it just felt very choppy. Sigh... I'm still glad you told me you like the original better though. I love to tinker with enjambment and it's great to hear you validate what I was trying to do. Cary... |
